I have to be honest; I’ve been putting off writing anything. It isn’t because I don’t want to share with you, it’s because I am having trouble articulating what I am feeling and experiencing. I want to give you the honest truth.
There are a lot of elements that come into play, but I think what’s important about Young and Bold is the element of authenticity.
I never went into this saying “I’m going to have this awesome life and be so happy.” I went into it and hopefully effectively communicated that I don’t have a lot of money, I don’t have anyone here with me, and I struggle with my own fears and self-doubt.
It’s hard to become the girl that gets on her phone and talks to a screen and hopes people care. It’s hard to constantly produce content when I’m in a classroom or working on my certification nearly 8 am to 10 pm every day of the week. Most importantly, it’s hard to be on my own. I’ve lived on my own for nearly 5 years. That’s not the “on my own” I’m talking about. I’ve always personally struggled with figuring out who I am. I’ve struggled with being happy and at peace with who I am and where I am at in life. Mental health and mental disease is an entirely different conversation that I won’t get into, but in order for you to understand my story, you have to know a little bit of my past.
In February of 2017, I started a journey. I started to focus on what mattered to me and who mattered to me. I started to seek peace. I even looked into Buddhism and living the way of enlightenment. The thing about enlightenment is, it’s a way of being.
It means to be present, not to daydream of the past or the future, but to enjoy your current surroundings and to be mindful always.
I LOVE THAT. My reasons for wanting to move abroad changed so drastically throughout my journey. It went from being something I felt like I “needed” in a negative way. I daydreamed about it and every time I had a bad day I turned to moving abroad as my escape. Let me be the first to agree, that is not healthy. Life is life and your personal happiness comes from within, it doesn’t matter where you are. As I continued to look into moving abroad my emotions changed. It went from being an unhealthy desire to something “I think would be good for me.”
The last few months of my life have been some of the happiest ever. I felt so grounded in who I was. So confident in who I was. So happy with where I was, but most importantly, who I was with. I was surrounded by the people I love. Then, I thought that I packed my life into 100 pounds and I left. As soon as I got to the airport I realized that the things I had chosen to bring weren’t “my life.” They are just objects and clothing.
If I had the ability to pack up what mattered most to me and bring it along, it would be a crowded suitcase.
Also, I’d have a hard time convincing all my friends and family to come along.
Coming here, within the first week I don’t feel that self-assurance anymore. It was like opening a door and realizing that I need to figure out who I am outside of my comfort zone. I am surrounded by strangers and there is this forced feeling to the friendships I am forming. I like the people, I do, but going from being around those who make your soul sing to being completely alone in a foreign country where the easiest survival is latching onto those who speak your language and you see every day is hard.
I don’t want you to get me wrong. I feel excited to be here. I know that If I was at home and I was stuck in a job that I would eventually face that stirring in my soul to travel again. I just want to be honest and say that it isn’t all pixie dust. Picking up, quitting your job, leaving your people and moving to a new place without so much as an idea of where you will be in a month is exhausting. I haven’t really had that overwhelming I’m sitting at a café in the Czech Republic moment. I’m just waiting for that feeling.
Nonetheless, I am here. I am here and I refuse to accept defeat at the first challenge. I am ready to find that inner-peace and that confident girl in an environment where it may be little more difficult. One of the girls in my program keeps telling me that I have so much love to give. She may be saying it lightly, but it’s true. My mission in coming here was and is to spread love. In every person I meet, I hope that I can be a happy, kind and genuine person and that I can share love no matter how infinitesimal the interaction may be.
While I came to be a teacher, I knew that I’d be learning a lot as well.
I think my first lesson on this adventure has been this: I came here to spread love to others, but in doing so, I will also learn how to nurture my own soul and practice self-love so that I can once again find grounding in who I am. For now, I’m going to tread on. I’m going to be young and I’m going to be bold. Watch out world.