Oh my gosh. Why? Why did we do that? If you read my last blog you may remember that I came up with the idea to make a “Bad S**t Bucket?” Emily, my best friend and roommate, and I wrote down all of the bad things that happened to us in February and agreed at the end of the month that we would go through the bucket. As we went through, we would burn each slip and take a sip of alcohol. Well….a lot of bad stuff happened and March came really quickly.
We had to fit it in after I got home from work on a Wednesday. So we lit candles, turned on Amy Winehouse, poured ourselves a glass of wine and got started. So stupid. We agreed that for the month of March we would recreate the same concept but for the positive things that happened to us…I think we will use juice. Grape juice. That sounds splendid right now.
All in all, it was fun! I really did feel like I purged myself of all of the bad things that happened to me. Nonetheless, I had a night I won’t soon forget with my friend. We talked… a lot. It got me thinking that we can’t be the only ones that feel this way. Especially for people in our positions, in college or about to graduate and in this huge transition between adulthood and semi-adulthood. So I want to address some of the things that came up.
Some of Emily’s were absolutely not valid, but we drank anyway. For example, “AJ just said gal pal. Eww.” ? Are you kidding? Some of them were downright hilarious and also not appropriate for this blog. Please take a moment to laugh and appreciate them and pretend you know why.
Done? Great. Now moving onto the important things.
First of all, I wrote at least two slips about money. Funnily enough, that one really didn’t want to burn! I wish it would. Money is a huge issue. It’s finally becoming real for us. Personally, I’ve been paying for everything on my own for the last four years. Considering I only worked part time and had to pay for tuition, food, rent, utilities, books, etc. I assume you can imagine the debt I’ve accumulated. I graduate in May and I’ve got this looming monster over my shoulder telling me I’ve got to get a good paying job or it will swallow me whole. Money is a real thing to worry about. If anything, I wish it was the one thing we never did worry about. Ultimately, I would like to say it sorts itself out. It doesn’t of course, you’ve got to put in work to free yourself but don’t spend your life anxious about it. Don’t waste your time worrying about it. Life is too short.
The second thing that came up for both of us was fear of failure. At some point in the month of February, we both came home worried that we wouldn’t amount to anything. We worry that despite our hard work, despite our massive debt we took to get ourselves an education, that we won’t get a job or that we really have no idea what the hell we are doing. What I think that truly translates to is fear that we aren’t worth anything.
Worth. That was another thing we both felt we lacked in just the month of February alone. Or at least as if we were losing ourselves. I can attest to that. I feel like I’m losing myself or losing my grounding. I’m definitely questioning my faith and that’s probably the worst of all for me. There is one thing that makes it better, though. There is one thing that catches my attention and tells me to put a smile on my face and greet everyone with it every day. It is so easy to get caught up in what should have been, but we mustn’t forget to see the beauty that lies right in front of us.
There are beautiful people with kind souls walking the street beside you. There are best friends that care for you sitting across the table burning scraps of paper with you. You are worth it. It’s so normal to feel lost, especially after losing something or someone of value. Especially during a time of transition. Especially when life and reality are rearing their ugly heads and you would much prefer to live a dream. But you are worth it. You are unique. And despite feeling like you are losing yourself, if you make an effort to get up everyday and choose positivity you will be okay. Choose positivity. Have a positive internal voice. Tell yourself three things about yourself that you like each morning. Take a moment to be grateful for the simplisitic yet complex beauty of life as you walk down the street.
The trees are blooming. The weather is warm. The sun is shining. Purge yourself of the past negativities and walk away. Find yourself by choosing positivity. I woke up this morning, well first of all feeling horribly hungover, but also happy. I found a Polaroid of myself with a note from Emily. It read, “you are more than you will ever know.”
It’s kind of fantastic that I woke with my own picture and she with hers. Why shouldn’t we appreciate ourselves? If you can’t or don’t, learn to. That’s my goal right now. The song of the day is “Cough Syrup” by Young the Giant because their music speaks to my soul. They make me happy… find what makes you happy!